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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Austin,

Hey baby girl.

I haven't written to you in a long time. I feel like I need to tonight because there's so much going through my mind, and writing is about the only way that I can express things the way that I want to.

I'll just say it... life with you lately has been difficult. Really difficult.

Some days I honestly don't feel like I can keep my head above water.

I know that I am not the perfect parent. Oh Lord, do I know that. I try my best to parent you the way that I feel is right, while also taking advice from others here and there. At this point, I feel like nothing is working with you, and I'm not exactly sure what to do next. I don't know if it's something that I'm doing wrong, or if it is all to blame on "terrible twos." You seem to understand everything... what you do wrong, why I have to discipline you, and that I really love you. I know you don't understand forgiveness, but I think you do understand being sorry. I often think that you are just a combination of being really smart, and really stubborn.

I want you to always be you. I don't want to change your personality. If you are strong-willed and stubborn, that's how God made you, and I want you to live that out. I do, however, want you to learn obedience and surrender. I know it seems like a big deal when I ask you to pick up your toys, or that you can't eat cake for dinner, but if you can learn to do what is asked of us through this life on earth, it will be worth it.

I just want you to know when you are older, and can understand, that I am trying.

I have learned the last few weeks that being a mommy takes a lot of faith. I worry so often that I'm not saying the right things, disciplining the right ways, etc. Seriously, the only thing that I can do is to pray that you and Bennett grow up knowing Jesus. Even if I said and did all of the right things, it's not in my hands. That's where my faith has to come in.

Love you bazillions...
Mommy

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