Sunday, February 20, 2011

some things we can't understand

thursday started out as a great day for austin and i.  first, we registered her for mother's day out for this fall.  ok i'll admit, it was a little bittersweet.  she was excited, and wanted to go in her classroom right away.  after that, i had bible study with some ladies in my church that have become my good friends.  when we left there, i had to run a few errands.

as i was at the last red light before getting onto the highway, i opened an email on my phone from an orphan's wish.  i had seen that i had the email when i was in the grocery store, but decided to wait to read it until i got in the car.  i had been so excited about it, because february was cooper's 3rd birthday.  ben and i had sent some money for them to use as needed in honor of his birthday, and sometimes they will send photos of what they bought with the money, and of the child with their birthday cake.  since they are extra careful about the privacy of the children, we didn't know his exact birthday, so every day i hoped that i would hear from them.

the first words i read were... "important information about little cooper."  this was it!  his birthday photos!  woohoo!!  and then i read the words, "cooper was a joy to all who knew him..."  KNEW him?!  WHAT?  like past tense?  were they telling me that cooper was in heaven?!  i pulled off of the highway, flashers and all, to concentrate and read the whole thing.  i replied right away and asked them to confirm what i was understanding.  one of the sweet ladies replied with a yes, and offered some comforting words.

let's just say... it was one of the worst days that i've had in a looooooong time.  all i could think about was that cooper never got to have a family.  he never had anything that belonged to just him.  everything he wore and used were also worn and used by every other child in the house.  why couldn't God spare his life so that he could be adopted and felt real love???  my heart broke for him.  God just kept reminding me that even though he never had a mommy and a daddy, he's in heaven now with his real daddy, and knows ultimate love.  even though i know and understand that, the human side of me is still so sad for what he missed here on earth.  it's not fair.

one of the lines in that email that has stayed with me is that "cooper's life was significant and worthy."  he was a little orphan boy in china with a horrible disease, but he was worthy.  orphans won't be orphans forever.

"i will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  -john 14:18

here are the last photos that i received of cooper.  such a beautiful boy.  i will always remember and love this sweet face.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, this must be terribly painful. I hope God will bring you comfort and understanding.

Grace said...

Here I go I'm crying again. I don't know if it's because we lost Cooper or my heart is breaking for my children, probably both. I morn with you and can't wait until we meet Cooper in eternity!

Veronica said...

I am so, so sorry, Ashia. You'll be in my prayers. Hugs...