Wednesday, September 15, 2010

these are special times

update: peanut got up in the night after i wrote this post, and she nursed. she also nursed the next few mornings. i WAS able to "soak it in" like i wanted to! :) she nursed for the last time on september 21st.

i have written several posts about breastfeeding, so i won't go over my whole "breastfeeding story" again.  once i got past the 2 week, 6 week, and 6 month marks, i decided to breastfeed for peanut's entire first year.  it's a decision that i never really second guessed.  i have wondered many times what it would be like to wean her... if she would cry, if my breasts would hurt, if i would continue past her first year, if i would cry, etc.

peanut had a bottle of formula when she was just a few days old (her nurse at the hospital insisted, and now it makes me mad as a hornet), and we started supplementing every now and then when she was a few months old.  it would mostly be when we would be out at a basketball game or something, and i wasn't comfortable nursing in public sometimes.  i also wanted her to get a taste for formula just in case something tragic happened and she had to have it.  when she started eating cereal at 6 months, we have always mixed it with formula instead of breastmilk.  she's always done fine with her formula.

we have gradually replaced day time feedings with bottles (and are now working on taking some of those away), and she has done great.  i have been completely fine with that, because she would always nurse morning and night.  well, the last week or so, she has refused to nurse at night.  i was still ok with this, because she would nurse really good in the mornings.  and now, the last few times i have tried to nurse her, she turns her head and screams, wanting a bottle.

i was not ready for this to happen.

i remember when kelly wrote her post about nursing harper for the last time, and not knowing it was her last... i read that and thought, i won't let that happen!  i will nurse her for a last time and treasure every second of it, just like amanda talked about in her post with annabeth.  there's something so special about that time nursing your baby that cannot really be explained, only experienced.  i looked forward to being able to have that last feeding with her, and being able to emotionally let go of breastfeeding.  (for now, i hope!)  i guess that just wasn't meant to be for us.  i honestly can't even remember now when i nursed her for the last time.  it was either yesterday morning the 14th, or monday morning the 13th.  i'm so glad that i'm not alone in the world with being emotional about weaning.  it's a phase that's so hard to let go of.

i can see peanut growing fast right before my eyes each day, and i try to remind myself frequently that this is special.  i will miss these days soooo much, and want them back.  i will probably be willing to give anything one day to have these times back.  one day soon, she will stop crawling and start walking, we will say goodbye to the crawling stage, and i won't ever be able to see her crawling again.  many more things like this will happen, and i won't always know that they are coming, or be ready for them, just like now.  i will look back on this time of weaning, and remember that life is too short not savor every single moment of it with my baby(ies).  these are special times.

"don't cry because it's over. smile because it happened."  -dr. seuss


Grace said...

Great post! I love you girls and can't wait to see you soon.

*Jess* said...

Pat yourself on the back for a great year nursing :) Weaning is hard for mom no matter when they do it! I wish they'd wean us a little slower :)