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Saturday, February 6, 2010

to you.

i love hearing your stories. i really do. you have no idea how much it means to me that we talk about that. i want to be trusted, and you know that we can always talk. i'm always here for you. whatever time. day or night.

i would like to think that i haven't caused additional excitement over nothing, but i can't. i know that i have. the idea is just too good to be true. i can't stand it. cupid himself couldn't have orchestrated a better thing. i know you've learned by now that life does not always go as you have hoped or planned. curve balls are always thrown, and we just have to roll with the punches. and you know what? it's really hard. i won't lie to you and say that you won't be disappointed when you lose something that in a way you never had. you will be disappointed. it will hurt. a lot.

i don't understand their responses, their actions, their words, their emotions, their thoughts... even after over 10 years of being the student, i'm still the student. i guess there isn't ever a graduation for that. so why is it happening this way? i wish i could answer that for you.

but you know what? one day i hope he wakes up and it hits him... hits him like 5 tons of bricks... "what have i done?" you are the best friend ever. you have sacrificed more that i could say that i would. you are thoughtful and attentive.

i wish you could move on in some small way. i don't want you to give up, but i'm worried about your heart. i don't want it to hurt. i know you're an all or nothing type of person, but what do you do when you don't get the same response? when the acts aren't returned? i don't know how many times you can break till you shatter, but i've learned through different events in my life to not let anyone hurt me twice. i put my wall up, and very seldom does it come down. you know the saying... "hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me."

but as i sit here and type that quote out, it occurs to me... it may just be worth that much to you. worth more than i can see. maybe you don't want to cash out. maybe you want to keep playing. and that's ok too. you're doing it whole-heartedly, and that's always a beautiful thing.

your white horse will come. don't you ever worry about that. and i can assure you, it will more than likely come when you least expect it. and then you can tell him, "it's too late. you had your chance." and if for some crazy reason he is your white horse, and it turns out to be the real thing? well... i think i would be on cloud 8 and let you hang out up there in 9. =)

i love you!

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