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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

worry/fear

i have said many times before that worry comes with the territory of being a mother, but lately, i have taken worry to a whole. new. level.  i have let thoughts take me over, and keep me up at night. it hasn't been pretty.

it's time for me to start letting austin sleep in her crib in her room at night.  every time i think about i freaks me out.  i like being able to sit up in my bed and see her.  i can check on her whenever i want.  i can listen to her breathe.  i can hear her squirming around.  in one way, i'm really sad that these almost 4 months have gone by so quickly, and it's time for her to be in her own room.  but the main reason that i don't want to move her to her room is that i have a fear of her being kidnapped.  craaaaaazy, you might say.  i have had an encounter with kidnapping before.  in high school, my best friend's little sister was kidnapped.  (she wasn't hurt, was rescued, and returned to her family.)  so it's something that's real for me, and isn't one of those things that you never think about happening. i think about it. a lot lately.

part of it is my own fault for having a public blog. i love blogging my thoughts, and i love having an easy way to scrapbook our lives. but i'm starting to question it's safety for us. i've thought about making my blog private, for only family and friends. my initial thought was, "then no one will read it!" and then it hit me like a ton of bricks... what's more important? a blog that people visit regularly, or my daughter? duh. i've been introduced to some wonderful adoptive families through blogging, and it's allowed me to learn boo-coodles about adoption, photography, and motherhood. which i'm very grateful for. so, will i make it private? i don't know yet. but i have protected my tweets.

i worry about austin having something wrong with her heart that we don't know about. i worry about her being in a car accident, or run over by a car. being diagnosed with cancer or a disease, being bitten by a poisonous snake... anything tragic, it worries me. i think about what i would do or be like if i lost her. even down to the little things like falling down and breaking her arm, or having to get stitches.

yes, i really have lost sleep lately worrying about her. i can't keep doing this. i really need peace of mind. i keep trying to remind myself that worrying benefits no one. it actually probably hurts us more than anything. fear is something that i have got to learn to control. better yet, i need to learn how to give it to God to control. i know He is the ultimate protector of my His baby. i have got to let go, but that's always so much easier said than done. if you would please remember me in your prayers for this, i would really appreciate it.

how do you other mom's do it?!  please tell me i'm not the only one that has gone through this!  then i really will think that i've lost my marbles.  =)

6 comments:

Jeff, Macki, and Mackinzie said...

Ashia...Mackinzie slept in our room for 6 months! I turn up the monitor in her bedroom now up so loud that I can hear the clock ticking. You aren't crazy...I have the same thoughts. It does get easier the older they get though...you still worry...but for some reason, are able to relax a little more! Hope that helps!

Williams Family said...

You are being completely normal on worrying...well, I think it is normal. I am very over-protective of my child. I worry about her being sick or me being sick not seeing her grow up. I think it is natural to stress over the little things and the unknown. Just turn it over to God (which is easier said than done!).

Aimee said...

Fear is very real and can consume you.

One thing that has helped me is (take a deep breath, cause this is a BIGGIE) to give up reading bookoodles of blogs. Blogs can be downright depressing and scary.

So...what I have done is sign up with blogger.com and pick and choose the blogs I want to read. (yours happens to be one of them!) And promise myself not to blog hop.

This may not be a source of your worry, but it has been for me. I have read and heard it all on these blogs!! And sometimes, it just plain freaks me out.

Praying for you!

Grace said...

We all have times of worry and Mother's I think most of all. We have the internal instinct to protect our young. You will always have times of worry that is natural but to worry constantly is unnatural. During my times of worrying about you I've referred to the truths in the Bible, prayed and asked God to help me hand it over to him. It's not easy but choose a scripture and every time you start to worry quote it. Just remember He loves her more than you do and he has her life in the palm of his hand! Love you!!!!

Tina Ferrell said...

Try worrying times 3! With boys, they seem to be constantly doing something dangerous. What I try to do is remember that they don't belong to me -- they belong to God and I just have them on loan to take care of as best I can. I sometimes cry when I think of what that could mean. Worrying is part of being a mother. And I worry about them getting kidnapped too. Shane, who still sleeps in his crib right next to my bed, wakes up every night at least once, and I alway check on the other two after I get Shane back to sleep. BTW, he's 21 months and still sleeps in our room in his baby bed -- of course because we don't have another bedroom for him!

3 Peanuts said...

I think worrying come with the territory. I will tell you the longer you do this Mom thing...the less you worry though. Things I worried about with my oldest...I never even think about now.

As a professional in the field of marriage and family though, it is time for her to go to her own room. It will be better for her (and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for her to learn to sleep on her own). AND it will be better for your marriage too. Get an alarm for your house and get a good monitor (maybe even the kind with a TV monitor).

Blessings,
Kim